"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”
Remember that childhood saying? I was raised on it, taught to believe that the hurtful things people say should just roll off like water off a duck’s back.

They’re only words – but words can hurt.

As a therapist who works with couples, families, and individuals, I have seen how harsh and unloving words can cut a loved one to the core. Sometimes, we all say things in anger that we later regret. We can then apologize and move on.

But other times, hurtful words can be part of a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse. Constant put downs, blaming, name calling, criticism, profanity, loudness, even a contemptuous tone or the silent treatment for hours or days at a time can be considered verbal and emotional abuse.

I’m not talking here about ordinary disagreements that happen in all marriages and families. I am talking about an individual trying to control another through words, manipulations, or even silence.

The Holy Scriptures are very clear that our words and language need to reflect love and respect for one another. “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29) “But now put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and foul talk from your mouth...(Col. 3:8)
“But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council.” (Matthew 5:22)

Unfortunately, verbal/emotional abuse is more common than we would like to think, even among Christians. If a person has been raised in an environment where put downs, criticism and sarcasm are the norm, he or she may use these forms of violent communication without even realizing it. Sometimes we see that this kind of a pattern can be a precursor to physical violence as well. But even if one person’s hand is never raised against another, verbal abuse can have a lasting, devastating impact on relationships. It can kill a child’s self esteem, or wound a marriage beyond repair.
Fortunately, it is possible to unlearn unhealthy patterns and learn new ways of being. “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”(Isaiah 43:19) And, “Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

In counseling, the therapists at Christian Counseling Centers teach people how to communicate in open, honest, clear, direct, and loving ways. Healthy communication is essential to having the kinds of marriages and families that God wants us to have. But sometimes we have to learn these skills if they are unfamiliar to us. This can be accomplished through couples counseling, or even teaching one person assertiveness skills in individual therapy.

A person in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship needs family support, friends, healing, and both spiritual and personal growth. To learn more about this important issue, or to get help, please give me a call at 650-737-1996, or any of our other therapists at 888-520-7200, and we will be happy to answer your questions and assess your situation.